Today was hard. It’s the first day I’ve left bed without crying, but I’m still not okay. I felt like an elephant has been sitting on my chest and like I might start crying at any minute. Everything reminds me of him, and I miss him so much. Of course I have feelings for him but he was also my best friend and that suck a million times worse than losing just a crush. He has literally been there for me for years and just knowing that I hurt him and that he doesn’t want anything to do with me literally crushes me.
I tried to take my mind off of everything. I came home and hung out with my friends from high school. That was nice because it reminded me that I still have people that care about me. I got to hangout with my family some which helped too. But every time I have a second of silence or too much time to think, I think about the horrible thing I did to him and I hate myself.
i know I shouldn’t beat myself up about one mistake, but I can’t stop. He won’t talk to me and I don’t think he can even forgive me let alone be my friend again. To be honest, I don’t blame him. I lied to the only person who had ever been 100% honest with me. I betrayed and disrespected the person who cared about me and gave me the benefit of the doubt in every situation. I really messed up and I don’t know how to fix anything. I wish He could know how sorry I am. I wish he knew how much he means to me. I wish he knew that I wouldn’t even think about lying to him or anyone else like this ever again. I wish we could be friends. I wish we could watch shameless together and cuddle. I wish we could laugh about funny thing that happened throughout the day. I wish we could got to mcdonalds at 2 a.m. I wish we could be lighthearted and fun again. But I ruined everything and we’ll never be the same or have these fun times again. I hate myself for ruining the best friend I had and for hurting him the way I did. He didn’t deserve that and now I don’t deserve him or anyone else again.